Well, Daniel's re-married.

Now that the initial shock and anger over his behavior towards DJ has worn off, I find myself once again in the grieving process. The little flicker in the back of my mind that God would work a miracle; break through to him, set him free, bring him to his senses and back home to us, is gone. Blown out in a violent snuff of insanity.

I don't understand how he could do this. Which is silly on my part. So often I didn't understand where his insane paranoias came from. So many times we'd leave a conversation with two opposite view points of what the other person said, or meant. We hear what we want to hear. Or what the distorted voices in our head tell us we heard.

Truth, fact, fiction. What is reality? And who's reality is correct? If it weren't for God and his standards, I would be lost. Flailing in the quicksand of society.

I feel the rejection so deeply. Not just of me, but of our church, friends, beliefs, recovery. It's as if he just threw it all out the window. Everything the divorce class said not to do, he's done. Did he not hear a word the man said? Or does he not care? Is he selfish? Does he believe that he's special, the rules don't apply to him and his situation?

I grieve for the loss of the man of God I knew. The potential that I know is there.

Goodbye 25th anniversary. No growing old together. No more laughter, jokes, or memories. My history, nay my soul has been torn in two. Split forever. A gaping hole left behind in my spirit. My flesh is screaming for me to fill that hole with anything, cigarettes, alcohol, another relationship. I know these aren't the answers. I fall to my knees and beg God to take the pain away. Every day, it's still there. The easy answers are gone.

My future is uncertain. All the plans I had laid are gone. Perhaps that is a good thing. I long to see the work the Lord will do in me, and through me. A whole new world awaits me (Sorry, Aladdin flashback).

Do I have the courage to embrace it? I must. I fear remaining amoung the walking wounded the rest of my life. I must embrace the pain and lean on the Lord as he takes me through. There's no turning back for me now. I know where that road leads; death.

I choose the road less traveled.

I'm still here

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Been a lot to deal with. My divorce was final Jan. 20, 2004. I didn't know that until a few days after the fact. My ex called to tell me it was done. He said they called him. Should have paid attention to that little red flag, but missed it.

Proceeded to work my way through all the emotions with that crap.

Plus planning our office move to a new building. Which means I lost my "personal" internet time cause we now have a net nanny. So I had to suck it up and pay for internet access at home to be able to check my email and blog again.

So I'm chugging along trying to put the pieces back together for me and my son. Juggling work and 2 night classes plus all the usual home responsibilities.

Then the bomb drops last night. My ex got re-married several weeks ago. Our son was the best man. And he's been making him keep it a secret all this time.

I called him last night and he hasn't had the decency to return my call. Coward.

So now I get to deal with an ex and a step-mom. Does the fun ever end?

If it wasn't for God, I really don't know where I'd be right now. Just when I think I can't take anything else, there's something else. And somehow, he gives me the grace to keep moving.

My church is going through The Celebration of Discipline. Good book. I've been working on implementing some of the disciplines into my life. I'm actually trying to memorize some scripture. I've always read it and I can give you the gist of a story or verse, but couldn't tell you what it actually said or where to find it. So this has been really different for me.

I'm also implementing the fasting discipline. Those of you who know me, know that is not easy! I have a super high metabolism and I eat all day long, like every couple hours. So now I'm fasting one day a week. Been doing it for about a month now. Really don't like it. The caffeine headaches are killer. My flesh rises up and I can see exactly what I'm made of. Not very pretty. Sometimes I wonder why God puts up with me.

I've committed to doing this fast for a year. I'm interested to look back and see what he's done in my life.

I'm also participating in Lent this year, something I've never done. I finally laid down the t.v. Ouch! No t.v. till Easter. I'm dying. But I'm getting a hell of a lot of work done on my house. I didn't realize how much of my time was sucked up into the t.v. land vaccuum.

Keep the blogs coming :)