Summer's Over

I can't believe summer is over. It went by in one big blur. I spent my summer taking Calculus. It was really hard. I had class 4 days a week and homework each night. Somehow, I made it through.

I'm on a 2 week break before the fall semester starts up. Unfortunately, my son has already started back to school so I won't be taking a vacation anywhere. They are ever so slowly shifting the schedule around to get us parents used to a year round school schedule. I can't say that I mind the year round schedule. I do wish the public schools and colleges would work together and schedule the breaks at the same time. It would really help out the 25% non-traditional students they have around.

The small group I've been a part of for the last 3 years has dissolved. The leaders are going with the team to plant a church in north Chattanooga. So I've started a small group in my home for single moms. We've met a couple times. So far I've had one person show up. I know there's a lot more single moms in my church. I can't figure out what's up or how to get them to come.

My house is a fixer upper. I've been struggling to get things done. I've asked a few people to help me with different projects, and they've all been too busy. One of the recovery principles I've learned is to keep asking for help until you get it. So I finally mentioned my dilemma to my associate pastor. Next thing I knew, a team had been pulled together and they spent a Saturday working on my house. It was really cool. Now he wants to do this every few months to help out some of the other single moms in the church.

God has been talking to me a lot more lately. It's been weird. He even used me to speak prophetically into someone's life. I've never had that happen before. I felt thrilled, humbled, and completely not worthy all at the same time. He's teaching me to let go. To trust him that he will take care of my son when he's not with me. To learn to bless and pray for my ex so that bitterness does not grow in my heart. They are both really hard lessons. I'm slowly taking baby steps walking them out.

I'm so grateful that he's with me. Pulling me up when I fall down and cheering me on.

The Last Samurai

I just finished watching the movie The Last Samurai. God has his own unique way of speaking to me. As I was watching the final battle scene, I started weeping. I found myself crying out to God, Please let my life mean something. I want my life to stand for something on this earth. I want something worth fighting for. I want my life to have honor.

I found myself flashing through all the times my life has not brought honor to God. All the times I denied him. Things I allowed in my home, my life, that I knew he did not want. Yet, I did not want to fight my husband. So I either stayed silent, or even worse, participated. I begged God for mercy. To not punish my son for my sins. To provide him with the chance to make it out of this mess. To not have to fight and battle the same demons I have.

To give me a chance to regain my honor. I want my life to mean something. I don't want to just live for the next paycheck.

Well, Daniel's re-married.

Now that the initial shock and anger over his behavior towards DJ has worn off, I find myself once again in the grieving process. The little flicker in the back of my mind that God would work a miracle; break through to him, set him free, bring him to his senses and back home to us, is gone. Blown out in a violent snuff of insanity.

I don't understand how he could do this. Which is silly on my part. So often I didn't understand where his insane paranoias came from. So many times we'd leave a conversation with two opposite view points of what the other person said, or meant. We hear what we want to hear. Or what the distorted voices in our head tell us we heard.

Truth, fact, fiction. What is reality? And who's reality is correct? If it weren't for God and his standards, I would be lost. Flailing in the quicksand of society.

I feel the rejection so deeply. Not just of me, but of our church, friends, beliefs, recovery. It's as if he just threw it all out the window. Everything the divorce class said not to do, he's done. Did he not hear a word the man said? Or does he not care? Is he selfish? Does he believe that he's special, the rules don't apply to him and his situation?

I grieve for the loss of the man of God I knew. The potential that I know is there.

Goodbye 25th anniversary. No growing old together. No more laughter, jokes, or memories. My history, nay my soul has been torn in two. Split forever. A gaping hole left behind in my spirit. My flesh is screaming for me to fill that hole with anything, cigarettes, alcohol, another relationship. I know these aren't the answers. I fall to my knees and beg God to take the pain away. Every day, it's still there. The easy answers are gone.

My future is uncertain. All the plans I had laid are gone. Perhaps that is a good thing. I long to see the work the Lord will do in me, and through me. A whole new world awaits me (Sorry, Aladdin flashback).

Do I have the courage to embrace it? I must. I fear remaining amoung the walking wounded the rest of my life. I must embrace the pain and lean on the Lord as he takes me through. There's no turning back for me now. I know where that road leads; death.

I choose the road less traveled.

I'm still here

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Been a lot to deal with. My divorce was final Jan. 20, 2004. I didn't know that until a few days after the fact. My ex called to tell me it was done. He said they called him. Should have paid attention to that little red flag, but missed it.

Proceeded to work my way through all the emotions with that crap.

Plus planning our office move to a new building. Which means I lost my "personal" internet time cause we now have a net nanny. So I had to suck it up and pay for internet access at home to be able to check my email and blog again.

So I'm chugging along trying to put the pieces back together for me and my son. Juggling work and 2 night classes plus all the usual home responsibilities.

Then the bomb drops last night. My ex got re-married several weeks ago. Our son was the best man. And he's been making him keep it a secret all this time.

I called him last night and he hasn't had the decency to return my call. Coward.

So now I get to deal with an ex and a step-mom. Does the fun ever end?

If it wasn't for God, I really don't know where I'd be right now. Just when I think I can't take anything else, there's something else. And somehow, he gives me the grace to keep moving.

My church is going through The Celebration of Discipline. Good book. I've been working on implementing some of the disciplines into my life. I'm actually trying to memorize some scripture. I've always read it and I can give you the gist of a story or verse, but couldn't tell you what it actually said or where to find it. So this has been really different for me.

I'm also implementing the fasting discipline. Those of you who know me, know that is not easy! I have a super high metabolism and I eat all day long, like every couple hours. So now I'm fasting one day a week. Been doing it for about a month now. Really don't like it. The caffeine headaches are killer. My flesh rises up and I can see exactly what I'm made of. Not very pretty. Sometimes I wonder why God puts up with me.

I've committed to doing this fast for a year. I'm interested to look back and see what he's done in my life.

I'm also participating in Lent this year, something I've never done. I finally laid down the t.v. Ouch! No t.v. till Easter. I'm dying. But I'm getting a hell of a lot of work done on my house. I didn't realize how much of my time was sucked up into the t.v. land vaccuum.

Keep the blogs coming :)

The Phantom Shitter

I work in an office building. All the suites on my floor share a restroom. The guy in the suite next door, must have been born in a barn. He'll spend half an hour in the bathroom. Beware the next person who walks in.

Isn't it common sense that when you're done you flush? And if you had a non-olfactory pleasing visit, that you would leave the fan on and close the door when you leave, sparing your neighbors from sharing in what you created?

Apparently not. Some people are not house trained.

One of the guys in my office has dubbed him, the phantom shitter. I think his new name suits him very well.

Home Improvement

My kitchen faucet leaks. I had no clue how to fix it. So I go to the hardware store. I stand there in the plumbing aisle for 10 minutes waiting my turn to talk to the guy. It's finally my turn, and this fat slob rushes up, cuts in front of me and asks the guy what his cheapest faucet is and then asks for another part. The clerk walks off to get it. The slob turns to me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says "I'm sorry, did I cut in front of you?" I wanted to scream and punch him. I was so pissed. Instead I did the "ice princess" routine and calmly said "Yes you did". He apoligizes again and tells me to go ahead. I tell him no thank you, you've already started you might as well finish. So I wait and finally get my turn.


The clerk has this why do I have to talk to a woman look on his face. He explains to me how to take apart the faucet and what piece I need to bring him. I thank him and I leave.

As I'm in the car driving home, I'm really angry. I start replaying the whole scene with the asshole who cut in front of me and I had to ask myself. Why didn't you speak up and say something when he cut in front of you? And I answer myself, because you didn't want him to think you were a bitch. I realized that my anger was really directed at myself for not standing up for me and taking care of myself. I let one more man run over me.

Recovery is one step forward, two steps back. At least I processed through my feelings and know where I went wrong. To me, that's a start.

P.S. 3 hours and 2 more trips to the hardware store later, my faucet is fixed. Yay!

Saying Goodbye

I been reading a couple different divorce recovery books. They all talk about the grieving process and various stages. Since my divorce will be final Tuesday, I decided it was time to say goodbye.

I pulled out a box full of cards, notes, and letters spanning a 14 year relationship. I read through them all one last time and had a bonfire.

I was surprised to discover that they all had a theme.

"I'm sorry things haven't been going well. I know this has been a rough year. Next year I'll spend more time with you and things will get better. Thank you for sticking with me. Sorry I'm broke. I'll get you something really nice next year."

I never realized that I got the same message year after year. I must have been living in a really big hole to have not seen that before.

As I watched all my memories burn, I only felt pity for someone who never got it right. Never found that "next year".

The #*$^~"! IRS

I've been reading through IRS publications trying to determine my filing status and what deductions I can claim. I couldn't figure out a damn thing. So I called the IRS. I figured if they wrote it, they should be able to explain it to me. Wrong!

The guy put me on hold 3 times. 45 minutes later, he tells me that he "thinks" I have to file as married filing seperately, but he's positive I can't claim head of household.

Now I have a headache.

I haven't blogged in a while. I've kind of been in a holding pattern. Waiting to be assigned a court date. Waiting to see if God was going to perform another miracle. Waiting to see if I was going to just lose my mind and snap. Waiting to see if what I thought I was feeling, was really what I was feeling. All sorts of really fun deep things like that.

My court date has been assigned for Tuesday, January 13. That will be the final death blow to a 14 year relationship struggling to survive. 14 years. Gone. Sometimes I still can't believe it's happening.

I've been enjoying the peace that fills my home now. It's like living in a dream world. I can do what I want, when I want. I've never had that luxery before.

I've decided that most men are predators. And they all seem to know where I am. I feel like there's a neon sign over my head flashing "fresh meat". It scares me, makes me angry, and is causing me to stand strong on my boundaries. Good practice for me.

I've been struggling with letting my soon to be ex push my buttons. I picked up my son Monday and was floored in about 2 seconds. I went home and beat the shit out of my punching bag. It felt awesome. For the first time in my life, I got the anger out of my system instead of simmering for days.

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!