I did it to myself again.
I've been working really hard the last couple months. Not so much overtime at the office, but when you take into account working a full-time job, going to school part-time, working a recovery program, remodeling a house, being a single mom, and trying to process my divorce...
Well you get the picture. I've been feeling worn out and streched too thin. You'd think that I would learn to pay attention to that. Nope.
Whammo!
I got nailed with a stomach virus this weekend. Kept me home in bed for 2 days. Best thing God could have done to me.
You see, I "know" that his strength is there to carry me through the tough times.
What I didn't realize is that his strength is there for me to lean on him every day no matter whether it's a good day or a bad day. I don't have to deal with anything by myself because, quite frankly, I'm no where near as capable or responsible as I like to think I am. And that's not sharing your life with someone is it?
I've been so busy trying to prove to myself that I can take care of myself and that I'm going to be okay. I forgot that it doesn't have to be that way.
Maybe next time I forget this God can use a 2x4 instead of a 4x4 to get my attention.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Today is Grandma's birthday. She died in August, two weeks before our vacation planned to come see her.
I didn't always agree with how she did things. She was co-dependent and could lay a guilt trip on you in a hearbeat.
But she also loved unconditionally. No matter what you did or how badly you had screwed up, she loved you anyway.
I wish more people were capable of offering that.
I didn't always agree with how she did things. She was co-dependent and could lay a guilt trip on you in a hearbeat.
But she also loved unconditionally. No matter what you did or how badly you had screwed up, she loved you anyway.
I wish more people were capable of offering that.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Monday, October 27, 2003
Answers
After swimming around in all the questions I've had the last few weeks, I decided I should talk to my husband.
I went to him and I said the our son has been asking me why we are getting divorced and I haven't known what to tell him. He said that he had already told him why and that he would talk to him again so that he wouldn't bother me about it anymore.
I told him that he wasn't bothering me and asked him what he wanted me to tell him.
He said that the separation last year was too painful for him and he couldn't go through that again so he wants a divorce. I said so that's why we're getting divorced? And he asked me why I thought we were.
So we spent the next hour going round and round in the same circles that we have been. Finally I told him that we'd just have to disagree and that neither one of us was seeing the other's viewpoint. I wished him good luck on his trip and I left.
When I got home, I just cried. I thought I had cried and grieved before, but that was nothing compared to this.
I realized that somewhere deep down inside, a part of me was waiting for him to say he was sorry and that he didn't mean it.
And I now knew that wasn't going to happen. I had to come out of denial and finally face the fact that my marriage was ending.
Reality bites.
After swimming around in all the questions I've had the last few weeks, I decided I should talk to my husband.
I went to him and I said the our son has been asking me why we are getting divorced and I haven't known what to tell him. He said that he had already told him why and that he would talk to him again so that he wouldn't bother me about it anymore.
I told him that he wasn't bothering me and asked him what he wanted me to tell him.
He said that the separation last year was too painful for him and he couldn't go through that again so he wants a divorce. I said so that's why we're getting divorced? And he asked me why I thought we were.
So we spent the next hour going round and round in the same circles that we have been. Finally I told him that we'd just have to disagree and that neither one of us was seeing the other's viewpoint. I wished him good luck on his trip and I left.
When I got home, I just cried. I thought I had cried and grieved before, but that was nothing compared to this.
I realized that somewhere deep down inside, a part of me was waiting for him to say he was sorry and that he didn't mean it.
And I now knew that wasn't going to happen. I had to come out of denial and finally face the fact that my marriage was ending.
Reality bites.
Friday, October 24, 2003
Searching for Truth
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I know, I know. Big shock.
This week I've been getting totally hammered. Everything I'm reading tells me how awful divorce is. How it screws up our lives and our kids lives for generations to come.
In my Divorce Care class, I saw a video clip of Tony Evans. In it he talked about how there is no reason for 2 christians to get a divorce for irreconcilable differences.
So now I'm feeing guilty. Our papers say irreconcilable differences. I've been asking myself if I sinned making things easy on my husband. Should I have fought harder? He doesn't have money for a lawyer and I didn't want my life on hold indefinately so I offered to draw up the papers. Should I have made him get an attorney? But then if I did, what other reason could he put on the papers? Legally, biblically he has no reason to divorce me.
Was I just being selfish? Wanting an end to all the pain? Like a piece of paper could ever take that away.
All I want is to be in God's will and follow him with all my heart. Yet it is the most difficult journey I've had by far. There are no easy answers to life.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I know, I know. Big shock.
This week I've been getting totally hammered. Everything I'm reading tells me how awful divorce is. How it screws up our lives and our kids lives for generations to come.
In my Divorce Care class, I saw a video clip of Tony Evans. In it he talked about how there is no reason for 2 christians to get a divorce for irreconcilable differences.
So now I'm feeing guilty. Our papers say irreconcilable differences. I've been asking myself if I sinned making things easy on my husband. Should I have fought harder? He doesn't have money for a lawyer and I didn't want my life on hold indefinately so I offered to draw up the papers. Should I have made him get an attorney? But then if I did, what other reason could he put on the papers? Legally, biblically he has no reason to divorce me.
Was I just being selfish? Wanting an end to all the pain? Like a piece of paper could ever take that away.
All I want is to be in God's will and follow him with all my heart. Yet it is the most difficult journey I've had by far. There are no easy answers to life.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Detachment
Learning how to detach and not let things get to me is something that I'm struggling with. My son goes to youth group on Tuesdays. So instead of his dad bringing him home when he gets off work, I have to go pick him up from the shop (my husband owns his own business). I dread going up there. I park my truck and as I walk across the parking lot, I feel like I'm walking the gauntlet. You know how in the movies they walk the prisoners through the crowd on the way to the gallows or guillotine or whatever.
My husband is usually sitting out front, surrounded by his employees, customers and friends. When I walk up, no one knows what to do. Silence falls. My husband (if he bothers to make eye contact) gives the stone face. The customers have no clue what's going on. His friends and employees either walk away, stare at the ground, or one brave soul will say hi. It is extremely awkward, difficult, painful.
And that shit sticks to me. I carry that around with me. My mind kept wandering during my recovery meeting last night. I was thinking about it when I lay down to go to sleep. It even haunted my dreams. I kept hearing this voice saying you mess with him you mess with all of us. A mindless mob ready to rip me to shreds just because he said to.
God I wish you would strengthen my armour so these things would just roll off. I'm so tired of getting stabbed.
Learning how to detach and not let things get to me is something that I'm struggling with. My son goes to youth group on Tuesdays. So instead of his dad bringing him home when he gets off work, I have to go pick him up from the shop (my husband owns his own business). I dread going up there. I park my truck and as I walk across the parking lot, I feel like I'm walking the gauntlet. You know how in the movies they walk the prisoners through the crowd on the way to the gallows or guillotine or whatever.
My husband is usually sitting out front, surrounded by his employees, customers and friends. When I walk up, no one knows what to do. Silence falls. My husband (if he bothers to make eye contact) gives the stone face. The customers have no clue what's going on. His friends and employees either walk away, stare at the ground, or one brave soul will say hi. It is extremely awkward, difficult, painful.
And that shit sticks to me. I carry that around with me. My mind kept wandering during my recovery meeting last night. I was thinking about it when I lay down to go to sleep. It even haunted my dreams. I kept hearing this voice saying you mess with him you mess with all of us. A mindless mob ready to rip me to shreds just because he said to.
God I wish you would strengthen my armour so these things would just roll off. I'm so tired of getting stabbed.
Monday, October 20, 2003
Dreams
As I was sitting in church Sunday, I recalled a dream that I had several months ago. In my dream, I had a baby girl. My husband was very angry. He denied that it was his child. He thought I had been unfaithful. He demanded a blood test and dragged me to our marriage counselor's office threatening to leave me.
At the time, the dream made no sense to me. It would require an "act of God" for us to have another child since my husband had a vasectomy several years earlier. Yet I found myself wondering, what if? My son has always asked for a little brother or sister to play with. Then I worried about my job and how would I work and pay bills. I obsessed about this dream for weeks wondering if God was trying to tell me something.
Sunday as I recalled this dream, I felt like God told me that I was the baby. I had been locked away deep inside my whole life. I had lived my life under the control of others. First my parents and then my husband. God brought about the "re-birth" of me. Finally after all the years, I was being set free.
As I thought about this, I recalled my husband's reaction to me last month when I told him I was enforcing the boundary of separation. He subsequently decided he wanted a divorce. I realized that it was the same kind of reaction he had in my dream. He was now rejecting the new me. The me who was healthy, walking in recovery as best I knew how, and seeking after God with my whole heart. I was no longer the compliant "whatever you want dear let me just stay out of your way so I don't make you angry" person that I had once been.
Then I realized, it has been nine months since I had that dream.
Isn't God cool?
As I was sitting in church Sunday, I recalled a dream that I had several months ago. In my dream, I had a baby girl. My husband was very angry. He denied that it was his child. He thought I had been unfaithful. He demanded a blood test and dragged me to our marriage counselor's office threatening to leave me.
At the time, the dream made no sense to me. It would require an "act of God" for us to have another child since my husband had a vasectomy several years earlier. Yet I found myself wondering, what if? My son has always asked for a little brother or sister to play with. Then I worried about my job and how would I work and pay bills. I obsessed about this dream for weeks wondering if God was trying to tell me something.
Sunday as I recalled this dream, I felt like God told me that I was the baby. I had been locked away deep inside my whole life. I had lived my life under the control of others. First my parents and then my husband. God brought about the "re-birth" of me. Finally after all the years, I was being set free.
As I thought about this, I recalled my husband's reaction to me last month when I told him I was enforcing the boundary of separation. He subsequently decided he wanted a divorce. I realized that it was the same kind of reaction he had in my dream. He was now rejecting the new me. The me who was healthy, walking in recovery as best I knew how, and seeking after God with my whole heart. I was no longer the compliant "whatever you want dear let me just stay out of your way so I don't make you angry" person that I had once been.
Then I realized, it has been nine months since I had that dream.
Isn't God cool?
Friday, October 17, 2003
Someone emailed the following to me and it was like a lightbulb went off. Yes! Finally someone understands. It also gives a really good picture to those who don't know what it's like to live with an addict.
Gaslighting and Reality
Imagine that you got up one morning and everything was different. Suppose that your life partner asked you why you were wearing a blue shirt when you knew you were wearing a white shirt and seemed puzzled when you insisted that you saw it as white. Suppose you got to work and your telephone extension had been changed from 4432 to 4435 but everyone insisted that it had always been 4435. Imagine what you would begin to think if you pointed out a new piece of art in your favorite restaurant only to be told by your lunch partner that it had always hung just where it was. Imagine that you began to notice that you experienced a reality slightly but significantly different from the reality other people experienced. What if these sort of oddities began happening day in and day out? The world that other people perceived, understood, and remembered was different from the world you understood. And now suppose that this condition persisted, not just for days, but for weeks, months, and even
years.
What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get angry with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently from you - you might continue to insist that you are right. But after a while your anger would probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think, "How likely is it that I alone think my shirt is white, my phone number is 4432, and the painting is new? If everyone I trust thinks the world is different from the way I think the world is, there must be something wrong with me" If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think that it was you. Your anger and frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or even fear, depression, confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of rationality, you would wonder if you might be going crazy.
Watch a baby test the world and learn about her reality detection devices. The baby reaches out her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her head, and lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is delighted by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works in the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she is learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses are reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She is thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."
Surprise changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we like jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies our perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore ourselves to reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in permanent ways. It is a different story if those we trust to help us remain in touch with reality tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We begin to feel odd. "I see dead people".
We check out reality with other people all the time. It is part of how we keep our reality detection devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is it me or is that ladies hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in ourselves begins to erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem unreliable. In the end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential component of bone fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another person and you make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for reality. "Today is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality as derived from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is not validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other people crazy.
This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play and movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to drive her crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the house the gas lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he sneaks back in by a secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the floor.) No one else notices and he insists that he was away. She begins to think she is crazy. The more the victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who is bending reality, the more the victim suffers.
Some people claim that the partner of someone who is having an affair always knows. I doubt that is true. But I do think that partners often know that something is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that holds for more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the conduct and emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When we detect shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our intuition is working and our friends are truthful, they validate our intuition.
Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by omission and commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they lie to their partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners ask questions and express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their partners. This is one of the wounds that partners suffer and must heal.
When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the intensity of their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought experiment that began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you caused her or him to call reality into question. You damaged their relationship with reality. Because your partner trusted you - trusted that you would not distort reality - your partner may have felt quite crazy. There is relief for partners when they know the truth - they begin to know that they are not crazy and so can begin to restore their own relationship with reality. But trust does not restore quickly.
Return to your imagination and think what you would think and feel if your partner and coworkers and friends admitted that they had been deliberately distorting reality to keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had been doing that for years. Even if those people disclosed their acts, expressed their remorse, and promised never to do that again, how long would it take you to again trust them to validate your reality?
Gaslighting and Reality
Imagine that you got up one morning and everything was different. Suppose that your life partner asked you why you were wearing a blue shirt when you knew you were wearing a white shirt and seemed puzzled when you insisted that you saw it as white. Suppose you got to work and your telephone extension had been changed from 4432 to 4435 but everyone insisted that it had always been 4435. Imagine what you would begin to think if you pointed out a new piece of art in your favorite restaurant only to be told by your lunch partner that it had always hung just where it was. Imagine that you began to notice that you experienced a reality slightly but significantly different from the reality other people experienced. What if these sort of oddities began happening day in and day out? The world that other people perceived, understood, and remembered was different from the world you understood. And now suppose that this condition persisted, not just for days, but for weeks, months, and even
years.
What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get angry with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently from you - you might continue to insist that you are right. But after a while your anger would probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think, "How likely is it that I alone think my shirt is white, my phone number is 4432, and the painting is new? If everyone I trust thinks the world is different from the way I think the world is, there must be something wrong with me" If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think that it was you. Your anger and frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or even fear, depression, confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of rationality, you would wonder if you might be going crazy.
Watch a baby test the world and learn about her reality detection devices. The baby reaches out her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her head, and lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is delighted by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works in the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she is learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses are reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She is thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."
Surprise changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we like jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies our perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore ourselves to reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in permanent ways. It is a different story if those we trust to help us remain in touch with reality tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We begin to feel odd. "I see dead people".
We check out reality with other people all the time. It is part of how we keep our reality detection devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is it me or is that ladies hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in ourselves begins to erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem unreliable. In the end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential component of bone fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another person and you make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for reality. "Today is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality as derived from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is not validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other people crazy.
This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play and movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to drive her crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the house the gas lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he sneaks back in by a secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the floor.) No one else notices and he insists that he was away. She begins to think she is crazy. The more the victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who is bending reality, the more the victim suffers.
Some people claim that the partner of someone who is having an affair always knows. I doubt that is true. But I do think that partners often know that something is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that holds for more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the conduct and emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When we detect shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our intuition is working and our friends are truthful, they validate our intuition.
Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by omission and commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they lie to their partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners ask questions and express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their partners. This is one of the wounds that partners suffer and must heal.
When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the intensity of their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought experiment that began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you caused her or him to call reality into question. You damaged their relationship with reality. Because your partner trusted you - trusted that you would not distort reality - your partner may have felt quite crazy. There is relief for partners when they know the truth - they begin to know that they are not crazy and so can begin to restore their own relationship with reality. But trust does not restore quickly.
Return to your imagination and think what you would think and feel if your partner and coworkers and friends admitted that they had been deliberately distorting reality to keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had been doing that for years. Even if those people disclosed their acts, expressed their remorse, and promised never to do that again, how long would it take you to again trust them to validate your reality?
LOSSES
A check came in the mail yesterday frrom the insurace company. I thought, oh good it's the refund from the policy change I made. I open it up, and yep it's a check, but it's made out to my husband. So now I have a decision to make. Do I call him and ask him to meet me at the bank to cash it or do I call the insurance company and ask them to re-issue the check?
After our last trip to the bank, I pick option 2, call the insurance company.
So I call and they tell me my husband is listed as owning the car. As a matter of fact, he is listed as the owner on everything. They tell me I have to call the agent and get him to correct the information he entered wrong before they can re-issue the check. I'm wondering why the agent put him as the owner on everything. I'm the one who called and set up the policies. So I have to call the agent and of course he doesnt' want to just change the listing. I have to suffer the humiliation of explaining to him that we are divorcing and the policies need to be split up. He informs me that my policy will go up because I'll lose the multiple vehicle discount.
Sigh. Just one more reminder of something I've lost because of divorce.
A check came in the mail yesterday frrom the insurace company. I thought, oh good it's the refund from the policy change I made. I open it up, and yep it's a check, but it's made out to my husband. So now I have a decision to make. Do I call him and ask him to meet me at the bank to cash it or do I call the insurance company and ask them to re-issue the check?
After our last trip to the bank, I pick option 2, call the insurance company.
So I call and they tell me my husband is listed as owning the car. As a matter of fact, he is listed as the owner on everything. They tell me I have to call the agent and get him to correct the information he entered wrong before they can re-issue the check. I'm wondering why the agent put him as the owner on everything. I'm the one who called and set up the policies. So I have to call the agent and of course he doesnt' want to just change the listing. I have to suffer the humiliation of explaining to him that we are divorcing and the policies need to be split up. He informs me that my policy will go up because I'll lose the multiple vehicle discount.
Sigh. Just one more reminder of something I've lost because of divorce.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
People are stupid.
I work in construction. In the course of digging for a retaining wall, we encountered rock. So we had to blast. I and several others coordinated temporary roadblocks while the blast was detonated in order to ensure the public's safety. So I'm pulled across the road in my truck, lights flashing, and these idiots are trying to run down the shoulder or veer around my truck into the other traffic lane. What part of STOP don't you understand? I ended up with cars lined up 3 across at the bumper of my truck.
Just one more reminder of why I got out of the Customer Service business.
I work in construction. In the course of digging for a retaining wall, we encountered rock. So we had to blast. I and several others coordinated temporary roadblocks while the blast was detonated in order to ensure the public's safety. So I'm pulled across the road in my truck, lights flashing, and these idiots are trying to run down the shoulder or veer around my truck into the other traffic lane. What part of STOP don't you understand? I ended up with cars lined up 3 across at the bumper of my truck.
Just one more reminder of why I got out of the Customer Service business.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I met my husband at the bank today to sign papers. This time he was rude and belligerent. I couldn't figure out what the hell his problem was. Didn't really want to. Then he tells me "I would appreciate it if you would tell your friends from church to stop calling and coming by."
Ah ha! Light bulb!
I told him that I didn't ask any of those people to come see him and that I can't control what other people to do. If you don't want them to stop by, tell them.
I'm so thankful for my church. That they still care enough about my husband to try and reach him. To me that speaks volumes about their character and truly living out the christian faith. To still reach out in love to someone who has turned his back. So many times I've seen the stray sheep trampled into the dust. Some to never recover. Others limp for the rest of their lives.
Ah ha! Light bulb!
I told him that I didn't ask any of those people to come see him and that I can't control what other people to do. If you don't want them to stop by, tell them.
I'm so thankful for my church. That they still care enough about my husband to try and reach him. To me that speaks volumes about their character and truly living out the christian faith. To still reach out in love to someone who has turned his back. So many times I've seen the stray sheep trampled into the dust. Some to never recover. Others limp for the rest of their lives.
Monday, October 13, 2003
Weekends suck. Or maybe I should ammend that statement to say when my son is gone they suck. Sigh. The house seems so big and empty. I hate it. I spent Sunday crying again. I couldn't even sit through all of worship at church. I had to leave. So I went out front and sat with a cup of coffee. Starting reading Psalm 37. Had a friend come up and ask me if I was okay. That was all it took. The dam broke and I'm bawling again.
I ate lunch and watched a movie. Then fell asleep watching football. Finally got up the nerve to call a friend and talk. So I'm on the phone with her and Daniel wants to talk to me while he's dropping DJ off. I tell him I'm on the phone long distance is it something quick? He says yes the bank is closed tomorrow can you meet me Tuesday to sign papers. I tell him yes. Then he wants to discuss our son being on Fall Break and what is his schedule for the week. I'm thinking, I told you 3 weeks ago that he was on break and asked you if you wanted extra time with him and you told me you were working. Now you wait until the night before to want to plan schedules? I just look at him and I tell him I'm on the phone. He gets pissed, tells me to call him when I'm done and stomps off. I'm thinking nice temper tantrum asshole. Grow the fuck up.
I call him back later and we work out the schedule and he's happy. Where did I sign up to parent 2 children?
I get to work today and a friend emailed me. I had emailed her a month ago when Daniel left and hadn't heard back from her. She was upset that I hadn't called and confided in her that we were having problems so that she would be warned there were rough times ahead! Where the hell does it state that you have to prepare your friends for rough times ahead? I wish someone would have prepared me. I would have liked advance notice that my husband was going to leave me. If she was so concerned about me, why did it take her a month to answer my email? And she says in her email that she's sorry I couldn't get over the past and it's too bad it took me this long to realize it. Where the hell does this come from? Either she's making stuff up in her head, or she's been listening to my husband. If it's the latter, that would mean he's spreading lies about me. Why am I surprised? I guess hurt, shock, and angry would be more like it.
At least my boss is on vacation this week. I have the office to myself. :)
I ate lunch and watched a movie. Then fell asleep watching football. Finally got up the nerve to call a friend and talk. So I'm on the phone with her and Daniel wants to talk to me while he's dropping DJ off. I tell him I'm on the phone long distance is it something quick? He says yes the bank is closed tomorrow can you meet me Tuesday to sign papers. I tell him yes. Then he wants to discuss our son being on Fall Break and what is his schedule for the week. I'm thinking, I told you 3 weeks ago that he was on break and asked you if you wanted extra time with him and you told me you were working. Now you wait until the night before to want to plan schedules? I just look at him and I tell him I'm on the phone. He gets pissed, tells me to call him when I'm done and stomps off. I'm thinking nice temper tantrum asshole. Grow the fuck up.
I call him back later and we work out the schedule and he's happy. Where did I sign up to parent 2 children?
I get to work today and a friend emailed me. I had emailed her a month ago when Daniel left and hadn't heard back from her. She was upset that I hadn't called and confided in her that we were having problems so that she would be warned there were rough times ahead! Where the hell does it state that you have to prepare your friends for rough times ahead? I wish someone would have prepared me. I would have liked advance notice that my husband was going to leave me. If she was so concerned about me, why did it take her a month to answer my email? And she says in her email that she's sorry I couldn't get over the past and it's too bad it took me this long to realize it. Where the hell does this come from? Either she's making stuff up in her head, or she's been listening to my husband. If it's the latter, that would mean he's spreading lies about me. Why am I surprised? I guess hurt, shock, and angry would be more like it.
At least my boss is on vacation this week. I have the office to myself. :)
Monday, October 06, 2003
I feel like that character off the Peanuts that had that black cloud hanging over his head all the time.
This weekend was pure hell. I had to attend a 4 hour parenting seminar Saturday to meet the court's requirement for divorcing parents. As Murphy's Law would have it, I was late and the only seat available was next to... you guessed it. My soon to be ex-spouse. But wait it gets better!
They show us this video tape of kids talking about how divorce has effected them and what they need from their parents. Sniffle, sniffle.
Then the guy doing this seminar tells us all about the statistics of what happens to kids from broken homes and gives the stats on second, third, and fourth marriages. Now I'm depressed.
Next he goes through the four stages of love and why marriages break up.
1) Is romantic love... the honeymoon
2) You start to notice some negatives about your spouse
3) Your spouse's negatives are really getting on your nerves. You either walk through the doors of workaholism, alcoholism, drugs, affairs, divorce, or you realize that marriage takes work, close those doors, and you do it.
4) True Love
I'm so grateful to this counselor for re-hashing the whole fucking 13 year nightmare I've been living in. I'm sitting there with tears streaming down my face trying to not wail with the pain welling up inside me. Keep in mind, all this is occuring as I sit next to my soon to be ex-spouse. Who just sits there like a lump. No kleenex, no pat on the hand, no I'm sorry for putting you through this. Nothing.
Then this brilliant guy, says he realizes that some of us sitting out there probably are still in love with our spouses. Now I'm shaking so hard I feel like I need to run out of the room, tears streaming down my face, but I can't leave. I have to go through this fucking class to make some judge happy.
We get a coffee break. Thank God. I'm finally able to get myself back under control and finish the stupid class. They give us the classic somebody and Rhea life event stress test. My score was 498. Pretty much off the chart.
I leave the class with a roaring headache. By 6:00 it's a migraine. Thank you State of Tennessee.
I had ordered a couple movies from Columbia House and they came in the mail Sat. So I watched "Hope Floats" Great movie. But I get to the end and Bryan Adams comes on singing "When you love someone. You'll deny the truth. Believe a lie. " Now I'm bawling. 4 kleenex later I'm dragging myself up to bed and I sniffle myself to sleep.
I get to church Sunday, and my pastor is preaching about divorce. How two people who are christians and submited under the rule and reign of God have no excuse to not get along. Now I'm feeling judgement and condemnation. I want to stand up and scream my husband left me! What am I supposed to do? Crawl on my knees and beg him to come home? But I don't. I want to run out of there, but I don't. Because I know that God is there and he has what I need. So needless to say, about halfway through the sermon, I'm bawling. My friend comes over and sits with me and cries with me and I feel better.
I'm so happy to be at work today.
This weekend was pure hell. I had to attend a 4 hour parenting seminar Saturday to meet the court's requirement for divorcing parents. As Murphy's Law would have it, I was late and the only seat available was next to... you guessed it. My soon to be ex-spouse. But wait it gets better!
They show us this video tape of kids talking about how divorce has effected them and what they need from their parents. Sniffle, sniffle.
Then the guy doing this seminar tells us all about the statistics of what happens to kids from broken homes and gives the stats on second, third, and fourth marriages. Now I'm depressed.
Next he goes through the four stages of love and why marriages break up.
1) Is romantic love... the honeymoon
2) You start to notice some negatives about your spouse
3) Your spouse's negatives are really getting on your nerves. You either walk through the doors of workaholism, alcoholism, drugs, affairs, divorce, or you realize that marriage takes work, close those doors, and you do it.
4) True Love
I'm so grateful to this counselor for re-hashing the whole fucking 13 year nightmare I've been living in. I'm sitting there with tears streaming down my face trying to not wail with the pain welling up inside me. Keep in mind, all this is occuring as I sit next to my soon to be ex-spouse. Who just sits there like a lump. No kleenex, no pat on the hand, no I'm sorry for putting you through this. Nothing.
Then this brilliant guy, says he realizes that some of us sitting out there probably are still in love with our spouses. Now I'm shaking so hard I feel like I need to run out of the room, tears streaming down my face, but I can't leave. I have to go through this fucking class to make some judge happy.
We get a coffee break. Thank God. I'm finally able to get myself back under control and finish the stupid class. They give us the classic somebody and Rhea life event stress test. My score was 498. Pretty much off the chart.
I leave the class with a roaring headache. By 6:00 it's a migraine. Thank you State of Tennessee.
I had ordered a couple movies from Columbia House and they came in the mail Sat. So I watched "Hope Floats" Great movie. But I get to the end and Bryan Adams comes on singing "When you love someone. You'll deny the truth. Believe a lie. " Now I'm bawling. 4 kleenex later I'm dragging myself up to bed and I sniffle myself to sleep.
I get to church Sunday, and my pastor is preaching about divorce. How two people who are christians and submited under the rule and reign of God have no excuse to not get along. Now I'm feeling judgement and condemnation. I want to stand up and scream my husband left me! What am I supposed to do? Crawl on my knees and beg him to come home? But I don't. I want to run out of there, but I don't. Because I know that God is there and he has what I need. So needless to say, about halfway through the sermon, I'm bawling. My friend comes over and sits with me and cries with me and I feel better.
I'm so happy to be at work today.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
As part of my recovery program (which will never end), I'm reading a book called Bold Love by Allender & Longman. It's really twisting my brain.
So I'm reading last night and I get to this chapter on Hungering for Restoration.
He quotes "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Prov. 13:12
That verse is so true. I don't think I understood until recently how true it is. When my husband left, I had to slam the door shut on any hope of reconciliation this time. It hurt too much for me to bear. I couldn't stay in that place and function as a person, employee, mom or whatever role I needed to be in at the moment.
Then I get further into the chapter and he starts talking about the consequences of denying hope of reconciliation. He states "Consider the byproducts of attempting to deny the hope for reconciliation with anyone, including those who have perpetrated terrible harm. Hope for heaven (that is, for beauty restored) is deeply imbedded in all human relationships. It takes a lot - a whole lot - to keep it down or trivialize it. The only force strong enough to deaden hope is hatred."
I'm sitting there thinking I don't hate my husband. I'm very angry with him. I'm grieving the loss of the relationship and all the hopes and dreams that went with it. But hate him? No. But I'm afraid someday it could go there. I have to admit. I haven't prayed for him since he left.
Oh, God why do I always have to be the good one?
Sometimes I think this road is too hard and I want to just sit down right here until I die. But then I look behind me and I know I don't want to go back there.
Sniffling. Pity party.
Then I look ahead of me and I catch glimpses of what may be. Sighing, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep trudging along. One foot in front of the other.
So I'm reading last night and I get to this chapter on Hungering for Restoration.
He quotes "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Prov. 13:12
That verse is so true. I don't think I understood until recently how true it is. When my husband left, I had to slam the door shut on any hope of reconciliation this time. It hurt too much for me to bear. I couldn't stay in that place and function as a person, employee, mom or whatever role I needed to be in at the moment.
Then I get further into the chapter and he starts talking about the consequences of denying hope of reconciliation. He states "Consider the byproducts of attempting to deny the hope for reconciliation with anyone, including those who have perpetrated terrible harm. Hope for heaven (that is, for beauty restored) is deeply imbedded in all human relationships. It takes a lot - a whole lot - to keep it down or trivialize it. The only force strong enough to deaden hope is hatred."
I'm sitting there thinking I don't hate my husband. I'm very angry with him. I'm grieving the loss of the relationship and all the hopes and dreams that went with it. But hate him? No. But I'm afraid someday it could go there. I have to admit. I haven't prayed for him since he left.
Oh, God why do I always have to be the good one?
Sometimes I think this road is too hard and I want to just sit down right here until I die. But then I look behind me and I know I don't want to go back there.
Sniffling. Pity party.
Then I look ahead of me and I catch glimpses of what may be. Sighing, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep trudging along. One foot in front of the other.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Intro
I have a hard time journaling because my brain runs faster than I can write. Maybe I can keep up with it by typing.
I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Especially emotionally and I need a place to vent. Figured this would work pretty well. And you know, sometimes we think the weirdest things. They seem sane in our head, but once you get them out on paper or tell them to another person, the light seems to shine and you go huh? What the hell was I thinking?
I'm currently 3 weeks and 1 day into the divorce process. My husband left on the 8th. One week before my birthday. Nice huh? But we won't get into that now. So I'm attending a divorce recovery class, raising my son, and trying to pull the pieces back together while I sit through the 90 day waiting period required before the court date can be scheduled. Oh what fun. This was definately not what I had planned for the rest of my life. But then, I never thought I'd live to see 30 either so I guess it's good to be wrong sometimes.
Today was an okay day. If you discount the fact that I think about "the divorce" like every 5 minutes and my brain feels like mush. I think I left it somewhere else. According to my recovery group, this is normal. Sometimes normal sucks.
My son is sick. I had to take time off work to take him to the doctor. I hate doctor's offices. We sat there for an hour waiting to be called back. Then we got to sit in the examining room for 1/2 hour waiting some more. Finally the doctor comes in, examines him and says "Yep you're right. He has tonsilitis." So of course then I think "Oh shit. I've been huggin him and kissing him goodnight all weekend. Now I'm going to get it." 5 minutes later, we're out the door, prescription and school excuse in hand. So now I've got a sick kid to deal with. And since my husband left, he doesn't want to stay home alone anymore. So I've got to take him to work or stay home with him. I take him to work. He's done pretty well. Got on my nerves a few times, but all in all he's done well.
So I call my husband and tell him he's sick so he doesn't need to pick him up from the bus stop.
He then asks me "Did you take him to the doctor?"
I'm thinking, "No I just decided he was sick and kept him home." I tell him yes I took him to the doctor.
He asks what's wrong with him? I told him he has tonsilitis and an ear infection.
Then he asks "Did you get him some antibiotics?"
I'm thinking "Who the hell is this? Of course I got him some antibiotics. I'm the one who always takes him the to doctor. You've never done shit. I've never not taken care of him. What the fuck do you think I did?" But I simply tell him "Yes I got him some."
Then he asks me "Did you get a school excuse?"
Again I'm sitting here thinking "Who the hell is this? He never thinks about school excuses, or doctors, or gave a shit about attendance before. What's the deal now?" But I simply say "Yes I got him a doctor's note it's all taken care of. It will be an excused absence."
He thanks me and says goodbye. I sit here fuming.
Is it like an unwritten rule that everything your soon to be ex says or does will piss you off?
I have a hard time journaling because my brain runs faster than I can write. Maybe I can keep up with it by typing.
I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Especially emotionally and I need a place to vent. Figured this would work pretty well. And you know, sometimes we think the weirdest things. They seem sane in our head, but once you get them out on paper or tell them to another person, the light seems to shine and you go huh? What the hell was I thinking?
I'm currently 3 weeks and 1 day into the divorce process. My husband left on the 8th. One week before my birthday. Nice huh? But we won't get into that now. So I'm attending a divorce recovery class, raising my son, and trying to pull the pieces back together while I sit through the 90 day waiting period required before the court date can be scheduled. Oh what fun. This was definately not what I had planned for the rest of my life. But then, I never thought I'd live to see 30 either so I guess it's good to be wrong sometimes.
Today was an okay day. If you discount the fact that I think about "the divorce" like every 5 minutes and my brain feels like mush. I think I left it somewhere else. According to my recovery group, this is normal. Sometimes normal sucks.
My son is sick. I had to take time off work to take him to the doctor. I hate doctor's offices. We sat there for an hour waiting to be called back. Then we got to sit in the examining room for 1/2 hour waiting some more. Finally the doctor comes in, examines him and says "Yep you're right. He has tonsilitis." So of course then I think "Oh shit. I've been huggin him and kissing him goodnight all weekend. Now I'm going to get it." 5 minutes later, we're out the door, prescription and school excuse in hand. So now I've got a sick kid to deal with. And since my husband left, he doesn't want to stay home alone anymore. So I've got to take him to work or stay home with him. I take him to work. He's done pretty well. Got on my nerves a few times, but all in all he's done well.
So I call my husband and tell him he's sick so he doesn't need to pick him up from the bus stop.
He then asks me "Did you take him to the doctor?"
I'm thinking, "No I just decided he was sick and kept him home." I tell him yes I took him to the doctor.
He asks what's wrong with him? I told him he has tonsilitis and an ear infection.
Then he asks "Did you get him some antibiotics?"
I'm thinking "Who the hell is this? Of course I got him some antibiotics. I'm the one who always takes him the to doctor. You've never done shit. I've never not taken care of him. What the fuck do you think I did?" But I simply tell him "Yes I got him some."
Then he asks me "Did you get a school excuse?"
Again I'm sitting here thinking "Who the hell is this? He never thinks about school excuses, or doctors, or gave a shit about attendance before. What's the deal now?" But I simply say "Yes I got him a doctor's note it's all taken care of. It will be an excused absence."
He thanks me and says goodbye. I sit here fuming.
Is it like an unwritten rule that everything your soon to be ex says or does will piss you off?
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